Ladies and Gentlemen...

Lonliness is kind of like a parasite in your stomach.
It eats away at everything you've got unil you're nothing but scrawnny little thing. Sick and pallad.
But then you don't understand what's going on unil the last moment when you see a sign, like worms in your shit.
I wish I could go on and on about how I feel. But I don't think there's enough words in the English dictionary to describe it.
But I've come to see that the only thing that makes me feel better is helping others, stearing them right or doing something as simple as watering a gravebed.
Yes, I water gravebeds. And that's better than robbing craddles.
No, that wasn't a metephor. I have the strongest need to care for something or someone.
I just don't know who.

Last night I had a dream about Chase.
That he was here and that he had never left.
That I could kiss his neck and hold his hand.center>
He was with his friends and family.
And I didn't feel so empty anymore.
And now that I think about the dream I'm kind of glad that I had it.
I woke up very happy.
Something that hadn't happen in a while.

Picking at flower petals will never tell you if he truly does love you.
Your horoscope is not a road map to your life, they are fairly correct directions given to you by the incompetent cashier at a run-down 7-11.
Throwing your change into a spiting fountain your city decided erect downtown will not make your dreams come true.
Meteoroids falling into Earth's atmosphere will not grant your wishes.
Look into your heart. Stare long and hard. Contemplate. The only truth, the only thing you will ever need to know lays there beneath the lies and fears planted long ago. And when the day comes you find it, carry it like a light, like a flag. Wave it proudly and stand sternly. Because it's the only thing that matters. It lets you love, lets you be loved, makes you happy, gives you peace, and is the tiniest, strongest piece of thread connecting you to God.

Oh fuck. I've lost it. I'm gone. If you wait around a little longer you'll see a new Nicole. Oh GOD. Where am I going... So scared...

Funny conversation I had with my boyfrind on Friday.

*Teacher walks by with child in a little plastic cart thing.*
Me: You don't see that everyday [in school].
Chase: No you don't.
Me: I want one...
Chase: *smiles and looks oddly at me* Ehhh...
Me: What?
Chase: No.
Me: Why not!
Chase: I don't think your mother would be very happy with me.
Me: For getting me a cart?
Chase: I thought you were talking about the kid!
Me: HELL NO! *shudders*

That was acceptionally good day. Except for the fact that his car broke down. Something with the transmition. I kept calling it the the transmitor. He laughed. We spent a good 3 hours in his car just talking. But then his dad helped us out and we were able to drive to his house. And after being there for about a minute or two his dad called and kicked us out. So then we walked to the mall and talked all the way there. Lots of talking that day. Then we went through hot topic and target. Talking about underwear and looking at some. I told him I need a new bra. Too bad we're poor. But we did have enough money to see X-Men. All of his friends were convinced he was draging his girlfriend around to see a movie. Even though I was just as pumped about this as he was. And that movie was AMAZING, by the way. I was just...ah. It was awesome.

Yesterday, I woke up at 8:30 and took a shower. Then Heather called me and we were at my house for, like, four hours. Two of which included a long nap. We waited for the boys to pick us up. And they did. But guess what?! Ray's car broke down this time. Wow. Way to be a good luck charm, Pilditch. So then we took Nate's little red clown car. Six people and four seats. But thank God two of those people were girls. So Heather and I were on laps. Not that I was complaining. I should have though, Chase kept teasing me. I got out of the car and I thouht I had to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. I didn't though. An hour later they were cleaning out Nate's extremely large garage. Music was kind of just playing in the background I was standing outside looking around. All of a sudden Chase yelled out, "Hold on!" I turned to see him charging at me. My first thought was, 'What, am I bleeding?' He grabbed me and gave me a very large kiss, then went back to work. I realized what was playing in the background:

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

adAbout another hour later the sun was going and in that part of town it's very beautiful during sunset. So I was laying down in the grass, enjoying my nature. Kind of watching Heather and Dan in the background doing back flips and such. Again, out of no where, Chase pounced above me. I laughed, kind of nervously, then he kissed me. Before I could even say what it remind me of it Chase whispered, "Spiderman!" It looked just like the upsidown kiss.

Seeeriously. Can I come down from this amazing cloud now? Because I know I'm going to fall throgh it. That kind of shit always happens. When you're all the way up in sky you come and hit the ground. HARD. And this will be inevitablity.

Oh. By the way. I have a...boyfriend. I hate that word. Every time I hear it, especially when it applies to me, I want to cringe or vomit or both. There is such a...stigma- I suppose- attached to it. I prefer 'gentleman friend.' But then that just makes Chase sound like a man whore. Which he isn't, by the way. Tracy is convinced, though, that he is. He's so very kind a conciderate and very comfortable to be around. He rarely gets awkward or makes things awkward. His answers always straight forward and truthful and he's fantastic with art, very creative and intelegent. Let me tell you, nothing turns my on more than big words. The thing is it's been, what, four days that I've know him? I'm already getting attached. Boy oh boy, I'm in trouble.

Oh Mylanta.

Today was fantastic. Seriously. I doubt it will be better tomorrow. Friday might be the best, though, but I don't know. I loved today. History class was the most fun I've had in a while. And I've been high as a kite sence then. It's all good, it's all good.

I'm gonna have to take a shower in a little while, then do my homework. Or I could be a lazy ass and take a nap untill my father comes home. I'm so absolutely tired right now. Yeah. I'm going to sleep.

*EDIT: Friday was the best :)

1) List 5 celebrities you would have sex with without even asking questions.
2) Put all of them IN ORDER of your lust for them. (10-1, 1 is the hottest)*
3) Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.
4) Supply photos for said people.

*They won't go in order. They can't. I don't have that kind decisiveness.

Terrance Zdunich: Repo! The Genetic Opera (Graverobber)



Hugh Jackman: Which ever was the first movie I say him in XD


Gerard Butler: Phantom of the Opera (Phantom/Erik)


Steven Strait: Sky High (Warren Peace)


Eric Schweig: Last of the Mohicans (Uncas)

I slipped into another depressive state last night. It was around 12 and  I couldn't sleep so I decided to take some anxiety medication. I've been regreting it ever sence. You're only suppose to take them during panic attacks, when your heart is practically jumping out of your chest. On the side of the bottle it states 'may cause drowsiness.' May? Sweetheart, I've been trying sleep off the damn pill for the last, what, 16 hours? Oi.

I can't really elaborate on the depression. I can barely make a cognative sentence. Or type correctly.

Will I ever fall in love? I think the odds are against me.

I need a shower.

Your result for The Repo! the Genetic Opera Character Test...

Shilo Wallace

50% Sensitive, 25% Callous, 0% Aggressive, 0% Aesthetic, 0% Authoritative and 100% Observant!

Take The Repo! the Genetic Opera Character Test at HelloQuizzy

In about 20 minutes or so I will be driving my brother to his friend's house. Oh joy.

Not to mention I think my grandmother and I are in a quarrel of some sort over religion. The other day, Wednesday I think it was, she was droping my brother and I off at our house and I was in a little...tiffy. We were getting good Friday off of school (not that I have any problem with that). So I started debating, "Why can't we have other religous days off?" I don't really know any other religous holidays so I couldn't really example but after a bit of debating she countered with something like, "Chirstianity is the best religion in the world." I was FUMING. Did she realize that those kinds of words actually started wars?! I sat through about 15 minutes of preaching not saying a word, so angry I was almost shaking. I unbuckled myself and opened the door before we were even in the driveway, then slammed it as I stomped my way to garage door and opened it. I simply could not stand that kind of bigotry. I white knuckled the countertop as my brother walked in and told me that grandma wanted to know if I was mad at her. I took one look- well, glare, actually- at him and he laughed, "That's what I thought." And he, too, aparently had the same opinion.

"Chirstianity is the best religion in the world"? Come on. Ridicoulus. The whole 'back in my day' shit just doesn't cut it any more. Sometimes I just feel like saying, "Yeah, well, back in your day people were lynched because they were different. Simply because their skin color was different." I don't mean to be rude but this world will not be at peace untill the last of their generation is dead and gone.

Wow. That was cruel. But it needed to be said. That's my thoughts anyway.

The moustached man is my grandfather.

Look at those lamps!! XD

My beautiful grandmother next to either my mother or my Aunt.


My mother and my Aunt.
 

Today passed uneventfully. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing. I could be doing something much more important right now, like my art project (which is due on Wednesday) or reading. But not really, seeing as how I left The Picture of Dorian Gray in school somewhere. The sad thing is I can't remember where I left it... I think it was in the art room. It was the last place I went. Or in my locker. Either way I'm not going to worry about it until Monday. For now I'm just going chill and muse about stories I could be writing.

I'm talking to my wife
I'm drinking too much wine.

I've actually found a connection between women and werewolves. You know how once a month they totally rip out of their skin and become a complete brutal animal? I'm sure most women are agreeing with me, you know, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more. Yes, well, we women become hormonal werewolves at this... time of month. How would I know? Well, for one, I do own a vagina. And second, I have been reacting this way all day today. Maybe if I sleep on it all of it will go away... but then when I wake up I will probably remember, "No that was not a dream IT WAS A LIVING NIGHTMARE!"

Oi. I think I'm rambling. That's what happens when it's one in the morning.

I got proactiv today. Or yesterday. Or the day before, technically, but whatever/whenever I have it now. And I'm quite happy. I only got to use it this morning, er, last morning (I won't be able to use it right now seeing as how I can barely type or make a coherient sentence. Or blink my eyes at same time, apparenly). But when I did my skin was actually nice and smoth. I was surprised. My skin normally has a hard texture to it but it was soft after I used it. I've actually been documenting my time using it with my mother's camera. Hope all goes well and by the time I go back to school next week, I won't have so many blemishes.

The ones of Alice and Uncas. *sighs* On of my favorite movie couples. It's so tragic and romantic... *swoons*

I'm going through my inbox on myspace. I currently have six more pages of useless chit-chat to go through. But it doesn't really matter. I found a few from eigth grade. Some pot head and her friends had appearently thought I was qoute "talking shit" unqoute and threatened to beat me up. Oh, how it made me laugh then and how it makes me laugh now. Three years later most of them haven't changed. One has though, she doesn't have any eyebrows any more! I can't help but snicker...

This afternoon I had taken a nap and had a dream of...a certain person. This "certain person" and I were at school, which, some how had turned into a boarding school. We were both walking down a hallway I tried to ignore him but that didn't work out too well. When we had come across the end of the hallway there was this really odd noise behind me. When I turned around I saw a man dressed as pac man, yes PAC MAN, and started screaming, seeing as how he was brandishing a butcher knife. I hugged myself into "certain person" and he held me then pulled me into his dorm room which was behind us. He picked me, placed me on the bed, and...well... you can guess the rest.

My God. I'm more hormonal than I thought. Jesus, I need to get this stuff out of my head. I CAN'T, JESUS CHRISTOS, I CAN'T!!! Why in the every loving world will he not leave my mind. It's not that I'm in love with...I suppose I'm more... in lust with him.

And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire...

I mostly find strength in nature. It's a sort of spiritual thing for my, I guess, especially during sun rise and sun set.

The most exciting part of my day was seeing a opossum (what the hell's up with the 'O'? Seriously). It doesn't matter that I got a huge bag full of clothing today. No. My first time seeing a opossum. Actually, first time seeinng a living opossum. It was in the backyard and it actually came up all the way to our... cement porch. Looked like an overly large rat.

Not much else to say about my week or weekend. Oh wait. I have pink eye. It's awesome. Brings out the blue in my irises (sarcasm). I woke up yesterday and I could barely open my eye. It was...gunky and crap. Yuck.

I feel like absolute shit right now. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I think I had a mental break down this morning. Kind of feeling a bit numb, stuck in a rut. Don't know what to do about it. I have absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Not eat, watch TV, talk to anyone, go to school, write. Anything. I feel listless and I just want to sleep. I can't really keep myself up anymore. I think someone has to help me with that.